What follows is a thoughtful analysis of the role of alcohol in my life. It's enlightening, groundbreaking, and some might even say earth-shattering. As a musician living in Nashville, no one has done what I'm about to do. No one has ever, and I mean EVER, taken a step back and questioned their relationship with alcohol. So, take notes, and prepare to tell your friends that you were here first.
That overdone sarcasm is purely to say “I know, I'm not special." But in the past few weeks I've been seriously auditing my relationship with alcohol, and wanted to take a minute to memorialize the journey.
I want to preface this stream of consciousness with an acknowledgment that I have never had a serious problem with alcohol. I would not call myself an alcoholic nor would I say that my life revolved around it. However, I enjoy drinking. I like hanging out in bars, playing music, chatting with like-minded people, and I liked doing all of that with a sippable beverage in hand. The problem for me, I'm realizing, was that I reached a point where drinking was a given. It was definitely a habit.
As a detail-oriented person, I enjoy learning and experiencing the nuances of different drinks. I like learning about wine and understanding how the soil acidity can affect the taste. I like trying to pick out different flavors in whiskey (they're all vanilla and caramel. Yes you can use that next time to impress your date). I like making cocktails and using a shaker like Tom Cruise in Bartender. And with these sophisticated disguises comes the real kick: a pleasant reduction in anxiety, a boost in confidence, and a welcome weightlessness. All good things, right?
If you've been a loyal reader (shoutout to the 5 people in Shanghai who read every post) you'll know that I was recently away for a month-long military training exercise. During that month, I didn't drink at all. I didn't even think about it. But when the "war" ended, I realized that it had been weeks since I've had a drink. When's the last time I went this long without drinking? I couldn't come up with an answer. Robert Johnson style, I found myself at a crossroads. I could celebrate this milestone with a refreshing martini (stirred not shaken. Yes, you may think that's backwards). Or, I could ride out an already impressive sobriety streak and see how far I could take it. Tough decision.
The devil at the crossroads was undoubtedly disappointed in me as I decided to keep the no-drinking streak going. I'm sitting at six and a half weeks with no alcohol as I write this. I feel great. I feel like myself. I feel a desire to create, to accomplish goals, to interact with the world. I'm fitter, faster, wittier, and generally happier. I know that part of the reason I have the creative energy to write a blog like this is because I'm not micro-dosing myself with poison on a consistent basis. It seems like a fair trade to give up a few drinks to write something that maybe my kids will read one day.
As a musician, it got even realer for me. I used to have a few drinks, step on stage, and feel good about playing mediocrely. My hands were slower, my voice was less crisp, and my songs fell flat. Now, I'm finding that I don't need the alcohol-induced confidence to play on stage. I get confidence now from witnessing myself playing better sober. My performances are a reflection of the quality of my practice, not whether or not I got my drink mix right. What an empowering thing.
I'm not sure what the future holds. I can see myself introducing some alcohol back, but I don't think it'll ever be the same as it was for me. I just know that right now, this balance feels right, and I'm proud of myself for figuring that out.
Note: I've been ordering ginger ales at bars and tipping 200%. Non-drinkers can still support their bartenders.
Pictured: Me in the thinking chair. Photo by Annemarie Fortune